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When We Mistake Who We Are

[embed]https://youtu.be/-XeoED-YSos[/embed]Here's Episode 64 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we talk about how we might understand the mystery of being human. So often we both find ourselves in a place of real confusion, and it's tempting while there to treat the confusion as something wrong - either with life or with ourselves. We know this is true of many other people too.But there are bigger narratives to step into when life seems a mystery, or when things are breaking down around us and within us. One powerful and stretching source of different perspectives is the 13th century Zen teacher Dogen. Our source for this week begin's with Dogen's suggestion that we are all a kind of 'time', and follows with some questions and interpretation by our friend and colleague James Flaherty.

The way the self arrays itself is the form of the entire world. See each thing in this entire world as a moment of time.

Things do not hinder one another, just as moments do not hinder one another. The way-seeking mind arises in this moment. A way-seeking moment arises in this mind. It is the same with practice and with attaining the way. Thus the self setting itself out in array sees itself. This is understanding that the self is time. 

-From the essay "Uji" by Dogen (1200 - 1253), philosopher and Zen teacherWhen we mistake who we are, we hopelessly strive to protect ourselves, fruitlessly attempt to defend what we feel we need to maintain ourselves and, at the deepest level, feel unmet, unheld, unknown by the world. All of this because we define ourselves, feel ourselves, know ourselves as much too small and then insist that everyone submit to our definition and treat us as this smallness. All of this of course is quite normal and what our culture produces; nonetheless, it is the source of our discontent and our sharing that discontent with others—see dysfunctional families, territorial politics at work, wars, crime, violence… you get the picture.

Dogen, in the quote above, has a different possibility for us to enter into, a different path to take. What if we are the same being as the world? What if we are the same being as time is? Even if we think that world is limited (by the way, Dogen means the entire universe, not just the planet Earth) we know that time has no beginning or end that we can imagine. If we are time, which is inseparable from all other phenomena, then certainly we don’t have to defend, protect or feel relationally wounded.

And the answer to “How far do I extend?” is answered quite differently.

-- by James Flaherty

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Can You Just Love Me Like This?

[embed]https://youtu.be/iEL3z9nIC7M[/embed]Here's Episode 63 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we talk about poem Lizzie's sister Hollie wrote which has gone viral in the past year. We believe it’s so popular because of how harshly we treat our bodies in our minds and hearts, and Hollie's call for us to treat our bodies call with simple, powerful loving-kindness.During our conversation we talk about what it is to know ourselves in a gentle way, to appreciate the miracle of an embodied life, and steps we might take to be less caught up in the punishing narrative of shame, self-improvement and comparison that fuels our understanding of our bodies at this point in history.

Today I asked my body what she needed,which is a big dealconsidering my journey ofnot really asking that much.I thought she might need more water.or proteins.or greens.or yoga.or supplements.or movement.But as I stood in the showerreflecting on her stretch marks,Her roundness where I would like flatness,Her softness where I would prefer firmness,All those conditioned wishesthat form a bundle ofNever-Quite-Right-Ness,She whispered very gently:Could you just love me like this?”-Hollie Holden

Photo by Tanja Heffner on Unsplash

Fear is Easy

[embed]https://youtu.be/SzEWbcf2ing[/embed]Here's Episode 62 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we begin with a source, Fear is Easy, written by Justin for his blog.Our conversation covers the unavoidability of fear, how contagious it is, and the choices we must each make about whether to be uncritically 'had' by it, or whether to reach past it to bring forward other qualities that can help us to respond. Along the way we talk about the gifts we human beings can be to one another in the act of remembering - showing the others around us qualities they may have forgotten and turning, together, towards doing what's called for rather than freezing, numbing ourselves, or turning away.

Fear is EasyFear is easy.Really easy.It spreads, like wildfire - my fear becoming your fear becoming their fear becoming my fear again.It makes us feel special - if I'm so afraid, there must be important things to do, like saving myself or saving the company or saving the country. At last, because of fear, I have a role to play.It makes things look simple - there is no choice here, no nuance, no time to talk together or think together about what's really called for, or if we're doing the right thing, or what the consequences over time might be. There is just action, this action, my action, and now.It helps us look righthow dare you suggest another way, a different way? Can't you see what's at stake here? How risky this is? How much we have to lose?It saves us from having to listen to one another - if you're not with me you're against me, and if you're against me you must be wrong, and it's because you're wrong and all of those others of you who are wrong that we're in this terrifying mess in the first place.It saves us from having to think - that there might be another way to see this, that your point of view might have merit, or integrity, or something to offer.It saves us from shame - at the ways I'm hurting you, or hurting myself, or hurting those who will come after us.It sells - the idea that I'm the best, that my way is the right way, that we're the chosen ones, that they're out to get us, that you have to work harder, that you must never stop, that our values are under threat, that we have to do this vital but terrible thing, that after all it's only business or politics or necessity.It allows us to justify - these punishing targets, our culture of hyper-activity, my monitoring of your every move, the hours I expect you to work, our obsession with measurement and deliverables, my not listening, our race to the lowest common denominator, your being available at every moment, our treating others as objects.Of course, fear works best when it doesn't display itself as fear. It's at its most potent when dressed up as civility, and best practice, and just-doing-business, and competency frameworks, and HR policy, and micro-management, and 'smart' goals, and this-is-work-not-a-playground-don't-you-know.Fear is easy, and fear is cheap, but it's dignity that sets the human spirit free to contribute, and create, and address our difficulties, and listen, and change things, and improve our situation. And dignity takes work, and courage, and honesty, and sincerity, and integrity, and wisdom and compassion and humility and love.Yes, love. Not a much-respected word in many organisations or in politics, and easily dismissed by the easy politics and business of fear. But it is indeed love that reminds us how brilliant human beings can be, how capable, how varied, how much there is to marvel at in our situation and our capacity, and how much we need all of this right now, just as we always have done.by Justin Wise, from justinwise.co.uk

 

PhPhoto by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

 

Only One Wild Way

[embed]https://youtu.be/1kD6FWoMJ2k[/embed]Here's Episode 61 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we begin with a source written by Lizzie:

Only One Wild Way

Being broken open is the gateway to GodLetting creation in, allowing the DivineMeans living from a truly softened heartAnd it means letting life have its wayIt hurts and it’s physically painfulWe tried to fight to keep it closedThere’s only one wild way to live once you’ve been openedLike a can of sardines and the metal is sliced and the lid can’t be put back on againThere’s no shutting up shopBacking into oblivion againNot for an opened heartBeaten around by lifeBy what happenedWho I’ve becomeWhat they didWho they areAnd everything elseA heart once opened is like that foreverAnd maybe that’s what grief is made ofThe love becomes fully obvious when the body is removed from our touchAnd it’s hard to bear how much we love each otherIt hurts to go directIt pains to be truly and messily intimateAnd as we wriggle into this spaceOf deep connectionIn all its Individual and specific gloryWe find ourselvesUnseparatedExcruciatingly aligned with life itSelfAs it sears through usAnd wipes us outAt the same time as bringing us to lifeAs our shell falls awayAnd we are mushySmashed to smithereensWe run the bathMake dinnerWonder what our loved ones might like for a Christmas giftPut the bins outAnd carry onWith our broken hearts leaking out love just about everywhere

 

Photo by Honey Fangs on Unsplash

 

How to be Happy

[embed]https://youtu.be/LPeOsLPogA4[/embed]Here's Episode 60 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we talk about how the suffering that comes from comparison (with others, with imagined future selves), and we examine together ways in which it might be possible to live with an alternative orientation of acceptance of our wonderful, messy humanity. Along the way we have a laugh together about this crazy being-a-person we all find ourselves in the middle of, and we consider the role of others in helping each of us find a way to be in life that's less punishing and more dignified.Our source this week is from 'Notes on a Nervous Planet' by Matt Haig:

How to be Happy

1. Do not compare yourself to other people.2. Do not compare yourself to other people.3. Do not compare yourself to other people.4. Do not compare yourself to other people.5. Do not compare yourself to other people.6. Do not compare yourself to other people.7. Do not compare yourself to other people.

How to be Happy (2)

DON’T COMPARE YOUR actual self to a hypothetical self.

Don’t drown in a sea of ‘what if’s.

Don’t clutter your mind by imagining other versions of you, in parallel universes, where you made different decisions. The internet age encourages choice and comparison, but don’t do this to yourself. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy,’ said Theodore Roosevelt.

You are you. The past is the past. The only way to make a better life is from inside the present. To focus on regret does nothing but turn that very present into another thing you will wish you did differently.

Accept your own reality.

Be human enough to make mistakes.

Be human enough not to dread the future.

Be human enough to be, well, enough.

Accepting where you are in life makes it so much easier to be happy for other people without feeling terrible about yourself.

from ''Notes on a Nervous Planet' by Matt Haig

Photo by MI PHAM on Unsplash

 

Breathing Life Into the World

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liEZM2obsQ0[/embed]Here's Episode 59 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live on Sundays at 9am UK and to join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week: how vulnerable and lost we human beings can feel, and how our attempts to distract ourselves from this and to appear 'ok' only tend to make things worse for us and those around us. We consider the life-giving possibilities of sharing our fears and confusions with others, what it is to trust that we're always part of something way bigger than ourselves, and the freedom that comes from knowing that being alive is always to be bringing something new into the world - even when we can't feel it and don't know what it is.Our source this week is from the 13th-century Sufi mystic and poet Rumi:

The body is like mary And each of us has a Jesus inside.

Who is not in labour, holy labour ?Every creature is.

See the value of true art when the earth or soul is in the mood to create beauty,

For the witness might then for a moment know beyond any doubt,

God is really there within,So innocently drawing life from or with her umbilical universe,

Though also needing to be born. Yes God also needs to be born,

Birth from a hands loving touch, birth from a song breathing life into this world.

The body is like mary and each of us, each of us has a Christ within.

- Rumi

 

from 'The Purity of Desire: 100 Poems of Rumi' by Daniel Landinsky

Photo by Šárka Jonášová on Unsplash

 

The Midlife Journey

[embed]https://youtu.be/jSeUCr6VLLc[/embed]Here's Episode 58 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we explore together those giant transitions in life where we get remade from the outside in and from the inside out, if we'll only let ourselves. We talk about some of the ways we resist being changed - out of fear and shame - and how life conspires in myriad ways to keep teaching us what we need to learn. And we consider the vital role of elders and community in helping one another to let go and step more fully into the lives that are calling us, and in finding the courage and making the unique contribution each of us is here to make.Our source this week is from 'Hidden Blessings' by Jett Psaris:

The Midlife Journey

Generally we cannot take the midlife journey before midlife. It takes actual life experience for our constructed self, our ego, to mature. And, paradoxically, it takes ego strength to go through ego dissolution. We have to have the strong ego built during the first half of our lives in order to make the midlife transformation because the ego must involve itself in its own metamorphosis by failing to take us into the next stage of life…

The impulse to avoid the journey is understandable… Many of us will cling to our old lives while looking for a guarantee that new lives are possible and will be better. Even as the old well is drying up we try to maintain our lives until the passage disables us altogether. Or we rearrange the furniture of our lives to try to make things better: we trade in an old spouse for a fresher model or scurry out of our own lives into someone else’s in hopes of reviving the selves we have known up until this point…

When we arrive at midlife torn, confused, desperate, burned out, unmotivated, or fearful, what we don’t yet understand is that there isn’t any more life force in our old habits and patterns because we have used it all up! A new direction is needed. It is unimaginable to us that the old system is actually not reparable. But at midlife we undergo radical change; our old way of being is not something we can tweak and rejuvenate. We need to start over from the ground up. It is not an opportunity for a fresh start; it is a mandate for one. Carl Jung wrote, “we walk in shoes too small for us.” If we resist the call to transform at midlife, all the makeup, money, and medications in the world won’t stem our grief over having aborted the possibility of living the authentic, soul-centered life that belongs uniquely to us.

from 'Hidden Blessings' by Jett Psaris

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Active Hope

[embed]https://youtu.be/-_GjoAi9oKs[/embed]Here's episode 57 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we ask what it takes to take action in the world - to actually stand up, speak out, and put ourselves at risk. We explore together how shaky it can feel to do this, and how necessary in a world that deeply needs each of our gifts to be brought and contribution to be made. We wonder together what kind of faith in life, and what kind of sense of belonging with others, can help us to step out beyond the bounds of our own comfort and familiarity, and do our part to set things right.Here's our source, from Joanna Macy

Active HopeActive Hope is not wishful thinking.Active Hope is not waiting to be rescued by some savior.Active Hope is waking up to the beauty of lifeon whose behalf we can act.We belong to this world.The web of life is calling us forth at this time.We’ve come a long way and are here to play our part.With Active Hope we realize thatthere are adventures in store,strengths to discover, and comrades to link arms with.Active Hope is a readiness to discover the strengthsin ourselves and in others;a readiness to discover the reasons for hopeand the occasions for love.A readiness to discover the size and strength of our hearts,our quickness of mind, our steadiness of purpose,our own authority, our love for life,the liveliness of our curiosity,the unsuspected deep well of patience and diligence,the keenness of our senses, and our capacity to lead.None of these can be discovered in an armchair or without risk.~ Joanna Macy

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How to Tell the Truth

[embed]https://youtu.be/muArO5SWoQw[/embed]Here's week 56 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we take up truth telling, which turns out to be a deep and rich subject. In our conversation we explore what it is to work against our own habits and preferences - always the move that makes development possible - and what it is to listen, deeply, even when we don't want to. And we talk together about the life-giving possibilities of listening as if we're wrong, even when we think we're right.Here's our source:

How To Tell the TruthWhen you just have to talk,try being silent.
When you feel reluctant to say anything,make the effortto put what you’re feeling into words.This is a place to begin.Pushing gentlyagainst the currentof your own impulsesis an effective techniquefor dislodgingand discoveringyour truth.How to tell the truth?Taste itand remember the taste in your heart.Risk itfrom the bottom of your love.Take the riskof telling the truthabout what you’re feeling.Take the riskof telling your loved oneyour secrets.It’s trueyou might be misunderstood.Look and seeif you’re willing to trustyourselvesto misunderstand each otherand go on from there.When someone speaks to youand you feel yourself not wanting to hear ittry letting it in.You don’t have to agree that they’re right.Just take the riskof listening as if they could possibly be speakingsome truth—and see what happens.Listen as if.Listen as if you can’t always tellwhat the truth is.Listen as if you might be wrong,especially when you know you’re right.Listen as ifyou were willing to take the riskof growing beyondyour righteousness.Listen as iflove mattered.

By Paul Williams 

Photo by Tim Wright on Unsplash

Seeing to the Heart

[embed]https://youtu.be/SMCurwwrD_c[/embed]Here's episode 55 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.This week we take up parenting as a question, inspired by a poem from William Martin. Our definition of parenting is broad here as we ask each other what it takes to guide anyone into the world - our children, other people's children, our families, colleagues, friends and even our own parents. In the midst of our conversation we consider what it is to actively choose what it is of ourselves we want to transmit to one another - rather than asking what behaviour we want to get from others. And we wonder together about how to drop the 'image management' it's so easy to get into when our super-egos (or 'inner critics') run the show.

Seeing to the HeartSome behaviour in your children will seem “good” to you. Other behaviour will seem unequivocally “bad”.Notice both in your childrenwithout being overly impressed by onenor overly dismayed by the other.In doing so you will be imitating the Taowhich sees our behaviour as a maskand sees immediately beneath itto the good within our heart.
Above all, do not attack your child’s behaviourand attempt to change itby endless talking and scolding.Stay at your centre and look beneath the behaviourto the heart of the child.There you will find only good.When you see the heartyou will know what to do.by William Martin (from the The Parent's Tao Te Ching)

 

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