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Five books in five days (1) How We Are

This week, five books that have the potential to profoundly change the way you understand yourself, others, and life.

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"You keep saming when you ought to be changing"Lee Hazlewood, 'These Boots Are Made for Walkin'

We live our lives by treading beaten paths, hardly aware of how we are held the same by the bodily force of habit, the stories we tell about ourselves, the familiarity of our possessions and houses and workspaces, and the expectations of those near to us.Vincent Deary's wonderful book, How We Are, charts this territory with lucidity, clarity, and humour.

"We live in small worlds..." he says, "... and, usually, we prefer to maintain ourselves in the status quo, in comfort and predictable ease. It takes a lot to get us out of that - a compelling call, an overwhelming imperative. Or maybe we were pushed. But sometimes it happens."

"We are creatures of habit," he continues, "and we live in worlds small enough for us to come to know their ways and to establish familiar ways within them. Unless we are uneasy, unless something disturbs us from within or without, we tend to work to keep things the way they are."

The first of a promised trilogy, How We Are charts the many ways in which we keep our lives within familiar constraints, and offers a path for opening and responding to the call of a bigger world.It is enormously valuable reading for anyone who wants to understand themselves - and others - with increased insight and humanity. And a huge gift for any of us who want to chart a course into our own futures with more depth and responsiveness to life than offered by the slew of technique-oriented, brain-obsessed self-development books that fill the market.

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We deserve better

And so the skilful move is to find a way to meet what the world is calling for, and what the world is offering you, with interpretations that are big enough, and generous enough. It's each of our responsibility to find narratives, and the practices that go with them, that allow us to step forward and contribute.Anything less - stories about yourself that are too small, or too cynical - has you hold back what only you can bring.The world, and the rest of us, deserve much better than that.

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The truth in our practices

Stepping into a new narrative for yourself - a new interpretation of events that can be more truthful and open a bigger space of possibility - requires, as I’ve written here and here in recent days, that you also take on practice.

It’s the combination of a story that has explanatory power and the skilfulness to enact it that brings about a new world to inhabit.

It can easily look as if the necessary first step is the new story - a new way of explaining things. But it’s equally the case that it’s the taking on of new practices that can open up a world and allow you to discover new kinds of truth within it.

As long as you’re sure that someone else won’t listen to you, you’re silent around them. But it may be your very remaining silent that's giving you grounds for seeing things this way. How much chance does she have to listen while you, certain of your story, are not speaking up?

As long as you’re convinced that your work isn’t worth much, you hold back, speak hesitantly, make tentative offers to others that they, in turn, respond to without much enthusiasm. When you act this way, how much opportunity does the world have to respond to what you have to bring?

As long as you’re certain that the world is a dangerous, unforgiving place you triple lock your door and hide fearfully behind it. From behind your closed door you deny yourself the possibility of experiencing the world as it is. How can you possibly find out, with this set of practices, how different the world might be from the way you imagine it?

Our stories and interpretations are like that. It’s difficult to imagine our way out of them as long as we are actively sustaining them through the way we speak, listen, and act.

Often, then, the skilful move is to begin by taking on new practices that have the possibility of bringing a about a new and more truthful story. Start to experiment with speaking up. See what happens as you make bolder, more generous, more confident offers. Open the doors and begin to step outside to find out what the world is actually like.

As your skill in each of these deepens, your understanding of the world deepens too.

Find out the worlds that come into being as you practice speaking out, expressing yourself, participating in community, extending help to others, creating, being very still, listening, stretching, standing tall, offering, asking, declaring, exercising, dancing, thinking clearly, teaching, belonging...

In each case it’s the new practice that brings you into new encounter with the world. And it’s from here, if you’re prepared to keep going, that a whole new understanding can emerge.

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Practical Magic

There's power and magic in declaring a new interpretation of events.But declaring a new way of seeing things - a new way of making sense - is insufficient on its own. Because a change of thought is not automatically a change of habit. And it's through our habits and our practices that we bring about the world we inhabit.For example, declaring "I am now open to earning money", after years of underselling yourself, is a necessary first step. It opens up huge possibility. But that possibility comes into being not through the new thought alone. Rather, it's brought about because you take up the practices of asking, promising, and making offers of your goods or services that others find enrolling and compelling. And, of course, such practices - if they are new to you - will be tentative and clumsy at first. The hidden possibilities of the declaration become manifest only as you develop the embodied skill that makes its promise real.Similarly "I am now ready to be in a relationship". Yes, relationship becomes more possible upon making such a declaration. Here, however, you have to start practicing listening, understanding, kindness, responsiveness, compassion, creativity and love in order to fully bring out the possibilities inherent in what you've declared.So, please, work on shifting your interpretation of the world. But don't expect a change of mind to equal a change of circumstance. The universe is magical, but not in that simple, simplistic, wishful-thinking way.

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Waiting to know

Waiting until you know for sure what's going to happen - where people are involved - means waiting for ever.With machines, it's easy. With sufficient understanding of mechanics you can often predict exactly what's going to happen. Cause and effect, straightforward to establish.But human situations are nothing like that, even though we pretend to ourselves that they might be.Take a meeting, for example.Should you speak up about what's on your mind? Now? Later? What effect will it have on your colleagues? On the decision to be made?You cannot know for sure.Whatever insight you have about the situation can only ever be partial. You can't know what's going on for others. You can't know what they are thinking of saying. And you can't know - even if you know them well - how they will respond to your speaking.You have to act knowing that you're speaking into an unknowable situation. And that speaking up will, in all likelihood, change something, at the very least for you.But staying quiet is an act too, changing things no less than speaking up. So you have no choice but to be an actor, whatever you do, and however much you pretend it is not the case.We get ourselves into trouble when we forget all of this. We imagine that we can only act when we are able to predict the outcomes of our actions. Or we blame and judge ourselves and others when things don't turn out the way we expected.And all the while we're holding back our contribution, our insight, our knowledge, our creativity, our unique perspective because we've set ourselves standards of understanding that were never - could never be - reached.

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Just about you?

Just because the truth of any event is malleable (shaped by your interpretation), it doesn't follow that it's infinitely malleable. In other words, some interpretations are better than others.There are interpretations that open up possibility for action, and those that close it down. Those that bring out compassion, and those that bring out cruelty. And there are those that open you up to your participation in things, and those that put you at the centre of things.These latter kinds of narrative, the ones in which you take yourself to be at the centre of the world, are ripe with difficulty.On the one hand, they convince you that the problems you encounter are aimed, specifically, at you. It's raining on you. Her anger is all about you. Those idiots who didn't give you that job - they must have it in for you. The economic downturn is here to thwart your plans. Being the centre of the world in this way leads to both grandiosity and deflation, to an over-inflated sense of your own importance and to resentment that the world does not seem to treat you as you think it should.One the other hand, the genuine power of new interpretation can lead you to imagine the world can be moulded to your wishes, just because you declare it to be so. Just declare that you're open to receiving money from the universe, and you'll become rich! Just declare success, and you'll be successful! Here you are at the centre of the world again, but this time with the power usually reserved only for deities.It does not take much sincere encounter with the world to see how often this is not the case. Notably, if were true that you could just declare and the world would follow your wishes, you would be solely to blame for the difficulties you're experiencing. Your illness, your loss, your confusion - all fall squarely at your feet and nowhere else. There is no room, here, for a world of significance beyond you and your desires.Best-selling books such as The Secret play right into our longing for such an interpretation to be true. But they do not meet the world as it is - bigger than each of us, shaping us always despite our wishes and intentions, and much more mysterious.Learning that our interpretations shape the world is, rightly, a powerful move. But let's not let it go, too much, to our heads.

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Malleable

It's a powerful move to discover that the truth of the world is not fixed, but shaped by interpretation.Was losing out on that project a curse, or a blessing? An example of life's unfairness, or a consequence of the endless, unavoidable change of things? Proof of your unworthiness, or opportunity to contribute afresh, discovering new skills and qualities? Cruel fate, or life calling you into a wider understanding?Different aspects of the situation come forward according to the interpretation you choose. Events take on many kinds of meaning, depending upon how they're framed.In other words, the truth of an event is malleable. Much more than you might often acknowledge.And even 'this is just the way it is' is an interpretation you're in the middle of choosing.

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Producing ourselves

It may be hard to see, but every productive act we take in the outer world shapes us in the inner world.A better way of saying this might be that we are not separate from what we do. We're always being shaped by our actions, how we spend our time, what we pay attention to, who we speak with - and how, how we listen, what we make.In a world obsessed with outer productivity we rarely spend much time considering what kind of person we're becoming through how and what we're producing.Even if you have a narrow obsession with productivity this is important. Because, of course, the kind of person we each become profoundly shapes, in turn, what we end up producing in the world.

Wind from our sails

Work in the age of industrial revolution was founded on the principle that what we care about and are committed to need have no connection to what we do. The production lines invented by the great industrialists required only that we wished to make a living. We just had to show up and, ideally, set our cares and concerns aside so we could get to work.This works only as for long as we're willing to treat ourselves as the machines upon which this premise is based.It's stupendously difficult to do well anything that matters over a sustained period without caring about it deeply. It's equally difficult to do anything creative, responsive, alive, or which has depth beyond its surface appearance, without a strong sense of heartfelt commitment to the work. And it's a perilous endeavour to embark on a project without being in relationship with others who care about it too.But we forget this.So often, in modern organisations, we expect people to jump into action without addressing this essential matter of the heart. We begin new endeavours without taking the time to talk together about why it matters to us.We say "we're a team" without making any serious effort to find out what binds us.And then we wonder why it seems so hard.And why the wind seems to be sucked from our sails so quickly, and so often.

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Pay attention

If you read the news, speak to friends, look at what's happening around you, it's hard not to be reminded of the transience and fragility of life. And even if we manage to avoid disaster, accident or misfortune that ends our lives early - even with a long life - we are gone in the blink of an eye.

In the light of this it’s understandable that we’re spooked - rushing and spilling over ourselves to make a mark on the world, or numbing ourselves with our busyness. In the face of our own finitude the contemporary world affords us endless opportunities to scatter ourselves into a million projects and distractions.

But there are parallel paths available to us, that I think are worth returning to, often.

When you eat, just eat.

When you are with another, just be with them.

When you work, just work.

When you read, just read.

When you kiss, just kiss.

When you walk, just walk.

When you arrive in a place, look.

Stop, sometimes, to do nothing apart from paying attention, for longer than you can usually bear.

These are paths to putting things down - outer things, inner things - in order to be in contact with the life we are each in the midst of living, for a while. While we still have it.

None of this comes easily to most of us. We are so practiced at being in a billion places simultaneously. And so we have to consciously take our practice in the other direction. We're called upon to practice simplicity. To practice being up to one thing at a time.

And to practice paying attention to the exquisite depth of what is, always, right here in front of us.

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