When was the last time you felt fiery and fierce about what you’re up to? Whole-heartedly and bodily swept up in work that matters deeply to you? Left feeling alive by your efforts?When did you last find that your work diminished you? Left you feeling less than whole, and less than fully human?And what, if anything, are you doing about what you’re concluding?
Anything you want
In the sometimes desperate, fearful shoving and striving of getting what you want, it's all too easy to find yourself in a life whose form is quite far from what is fulfilling, or alive, or meaningful, or that allows your unique contribution to come forward.You may even find that what you thought you wanted, that which you've been pursuing with so much effort, turns out to not be what you wanted at all.Perhaps you'll only notice then when you find out how far from yourself you are living.So as well as asking how to get what you want, and working towards that, you could also ask what kind of person you want to be. This is not a question many people are taking on with seriousness.And what could come if you pursued that with a sincerity, vigour, and dedication equal to your other projects?
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Of Value
The danger of expectations is that the value of an experience, a meeting, a project, a course, or a relationship collapses into something really quite shallow. Value becomes, simply, the extent to which your expectations were met, or not.By holding tightly onto expectations you are, before an event even happens, squeezing it into a frame that you've created. 'That day together was no good' may simply mean it didn't match the way you'd imagined it.Instead, how about entering into an experience or relationship with sincere intent? Orient yourself towards what you intend to bring, or a way you intend to be.When you bring yourself with a whole heart, with generosity, with the intention to contribute, or be true, or to listen deeply - without attachment to the outcome - you allow the experience or relationship to be what it is.And you give yourself and others the chance to discover that, surprisingly, what's genuinely of value often arrives in ways quite different from what you were expecting.
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Dusting off
When you consciously take up an ongoing practice - running, saying no (or yes), meditating, delegating, gratitude, kindness, speaking up for yourself, writing - and you fall out of your rhythm, out of your commitment for a while... when you find that it's just not happening, what else is there to do but stand up, smile, and jump back in again?Excuses, justification, apologetics - none of these do much, in my experience, other than produce a momentary boost of self-esteem.Even harsh self-criticism and shame are rather wonderfully twisted ways of producing self-esteem by showing you that you care and are not indifferent.After a rather interrupted August, here I am, standing up, dusting myself off, writing again.I'm pleased to be back.
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It's important to remember...
... that no is a necessary precursor to any, genuine, wholehearted yes... because a life filled only with yes is a life without discrimination, without freedom, without choice... a life shaped by the whims of others, the shifting trends of society or fashion, the fads of the moment... and because a genuine yes can rarely take wing when smothered by what's peripheral, incidental, distracting and unimportant.
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Baby steps
It's tempting to think the change you're longing for will come about through a single revolutionary step.... somebody (usually not you) realising the error of their ways... a new vision or mission statement for your company... a new to-do list that will solve all problems, ease all illsThis is the kind of magical thinking that leads to the often-practiced and rarely effective tradition of team 'away days'. Yes, a day of talking can take you a long way. And yes, a list of freshly-minted things-to-do can give you all a feeling of relief, perhaps even hope, for a few minutes at least.But it should be no surprise that on return to the everyday world of your office or workplace, nothing seems to change as quickly or as radically as you had hoped.From the ashes of magical thinking cynicism is easily born.You might more helpfully think of most change - particularly change in relationships, trust or understanding - as a kind of titration. Drip followed by drip followed by drip.Radical overnight revolutionary change of the kind that you're hoping for, or promising, is the work of messiahs and magicians (and, sometimes, charlatans).For the rest of us, the dedicated, consistent, purposeful, patient work of repeated speaking and listening, promising and requesting, messing up and correcting, talking and learning, practicing and practicing.Baby steps, baby.Baby steps.
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What people think
There's a liberation in discovering that what other people think of you is not the same as who you are. When you can stop identifying yourself with the stories and assessments of others, you can also free yourself from the constant inner pressure to appear as you think people want you to.But once you know this, you have to understand that other people are not the same as your stories or assessments either. That means that whatever you think you know about them can only ever be partial, one angle on a situation way more complex than you’ve allowed for.It means you’re going to have to learn to be way more imaginative and listen much more deeply, if you’re ever going to understand what’s going on when others are involved.
Love and fear
Love and fear are never so far apart.
To pursue something you love - a person, a way of life, freedom, making a contribution, doing something meaningful, having a voice in the world - is always to expose yourself to the possibility, the inevitability, of one day losing it all.
Often we'd rather fade into the background, doing what 'one does', not feeling too much, not standing out too much, not risking too much, so that we don't have to experience the fear of the loss that we know will come.
Better, we think, to stay safe and not have to experience all this. That way, we imagine, we'll protect ourselves from the pain we don't wish to feel.
But to be human is to love. And to have a voice. And to contribute.
And to fear.
And eventually, yes, to lose.
What better time is there to begin, if you have not already, than now?
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Nothing to be done
"There's nothing that can be done. It's just the way it is"The moment you say this about the situation you're in, particularly if you're in a position to lead or influence people, you close the door to many possibilities. Mostly, you're inviting a mood of resignation, and you're turning away from sincere inquiry into all the different angles and interpretations that you haven't yet seen.
What brought about this situation?How important is it to us?What's my part in it? Our part? Our culture's part?What don't we understand yet?What are we afraid of?What are we trying to protect? deny?Where did our story that there's nothing to be done come from?Is it true? How did we get to take it up?What's at stake here?What do we really want to happen?What's missing?What's possible now?
Of course, there are genuine situations in which nothing can be done and in which it is just the way it is. But much less often than you might think.And when that's the case, your insistence that things are unchangeable is really just a way of getting yourself off the hook. Because if it's just the way it is, there's nothing you'll have to do, and you won't have to face your fear.Or maybe it's just your way of keeping things the way you want them while you rob others of their power to act.
Cultivating moods
Moods aren't phenomena that just happen to you. They always involve you. You're an active participant in them, even those moods that seem to arise and fall away unexpectedly, mysteriously.One way of starting to see this is noticing that there's an assessment at the heart of every mood.In fear - something or someone is threatening meIn anxiety - there's nothing solid for me to stand onIn love - there's something or someone shining, alluring, life-giving hereIn resentment - I've been wronged and can't directly address itA consequence of this is that it's possible to consider cultivating moods.You have some measure of choice about the assessments you make; about where you look for evidence for the assessments you do make; about what you read and watch and who you speak to; and about the practices you take up that shift your body in such a way that moods are prolonged or released. In this way you can gradually lay the ground in which new kinds of mood, perhaps those less familiar to you or less habitual, have the possibility of arising.And because each mood brings about a world of possibility or constriction, attending purposefully to the cultivation of mood is a vital act of responsibility for our lives.