Getting out

I know your intention is to take care of others. You know it too. But have you ever looked at the effect of your care?Does the way you leap in to offer help free people, or does it constrain them? Does it accord them the dignity of their adulthood, or infantilise? Does it allow them to do what's right for them, or what's right for you? Does it support them in becoming skilful on their own behalf or keep them dependent upon your assistance?And, if you’re really prepared to look, can you tell whether your constant demonstrations of care actually help them, or do they mostly keep you feeling better about yourself?Sometimes, genuine care involves holding back, melting in to the background, staying silent, teaching someone to help themselves, listening without any further action, or - once in a while - extending your trust and then simply getting out of the way.

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When a new interpretation is called for

"I can't...""They'd never allow it..."Given that you're always inescapably in a story or interpretation of one kind or another about what's happening...And given that the actions that are available to you are those that are coherent with the interpretation you're in the midst of...And given that many coherent interpretations of any event or sequence of events are possible, including many that might not yet have occurred to you...... surely what to work on most urgently and deliberately - when you're stuck, or in difficulty, or suffering, or causing any of these to others - is finding a new interpretation of events...... so that new actions - especially those that lessen difficulties for everyone - become available to you.

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Power and force

Power and force are not the same, though we often confuse them.

Power: the enduring capacity to have your intentions realised in the world

Force: the ability to push, cajole, or threaten others to do as you wish

Power pays attention to nuance, relationships and timing. It draws upon the energy and commitment of others rather than stifling them. It enrols. It understands that much is not possible, and that much of what is possible is not possible now. It takes into account and relies upon the web of relationships of which it is part. It is patient and inclusive. It takes a long, wide view of the world.Force is none of these. It demands. It is not willing to wait. It will use any means at its disposal to get a result - whether that is violence, the authority of hierarchy or position, or deception. It is of the moment alone. It has a narrow frame of reference. And it does what it does with little consideration of the cost.As a result power, as I'm defining it here, feeds itself and the possibility of making an ever greater contribution. And force eats itself over time, undermining the very ground upon which it stands. Power is alive. Force is brittle and fragile.Much of the time when we say that people are powerful, we really mean that they are adept at using force, because true power is rare, as is the mastery and sophistication required to exercise it.And much of the time we keep on using force precisely because we have not yet understood the practical wisdom, subtlety and capacity to relate that power would really require of us.

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Rigid

Are you so sure that everything you've decided should be left out of your workplace is left out for a good reason?Or is it left out simply because "that's what we do around here"?The danger of this second position is that you inherit what you're able to do, and how you're able to be, from those who came before you. And their understanding of what was required might be based on quite different assumptions from what's called for now.Much of contemporary practice in the world of organisations still draws upon the principles of the early industrialists who were trying to turn people into efficient and predictable machines for the running of orderly and productive factories. They were interested in suppressing emotion, keeping people tightly in line, constraining creativity, preventing anything new from arising and keeping everything ordered like clockwork. It produced a particularly contained, constrained way of being in work, founded most strongly on the principle of always being in control.In many quarters we still think that this is unquestionably what it means to be 'businesslike' or professional. We can hardly see the roots of this position, so taken-for-granted have they become. And we so invent constraints - subtle and overt, within ourselves and on behalf of others - to keep it all in place.And it's amazing that this is the case, when it's clear how often what's called for now is creativity, genuineness, imagination, responsiveness, care, aliveness, collaboration and a commitment to do what matters rather than rigidly follow the rules.

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Something you are doing

You’re never just in life, this situation, this moment. You’re also in a particular relationship with it.So often this is transparent, like the air you’re breathing as you read this. But it's illuminating to understand that the world you're experiencing isn't ever simply 'the' world.Perhaps your relationship is to welcome whatever is happening. Perhaps you’re pushing it away, or denying it. Perhaps you’re treating what's happening as a huge opportunity. Or perhaps as a curse or problem. Maybe you’re relating to what’s happening with a longing that it be over. Or maybe you’re trying to cling on to it, already mourning the end of it, even before it’s gone.Another way of talking about this phenomenon is mood. Every mood - anger, joy, love, resentment, frustration, cynicism - opens up a particular kind of relationship to what’s taking place.Can you see how your relationship to it all shapes so much of your experience and what’s possible for you at any moment?That each brings forth a distinctive kind of world?That what’s possible from resentment is different from what’s possible from anger or love? That what’s possible from relating to it all as a curse is different to what’s possible from an orientation of welcome?Once you see all of this, you can first become an observer of your relationship to everything. Reflective practices can help here - a regular journalling practice and sitting meditation are two that are enormously helpful.Much more importantly, once you can observe you open up a second possibility of taking responsibility for your relationship to it all.Because while what’s happening might be just what’s happening, your relationship to it is something in which you're always a participant.Or in other words, the world you experience is never just happening but also, inescapably, something you are doing.

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On Words

To be a human being is to live in a house of words.Words that can move others into action, or sow seeds of doubt and confusion.Words that can coordinate our efforts, or scatter us apart.Words that can reveal hidden depths in the world, or cover them up.Words that can build relationships, or undo them.Words that can heal, or hurt.Words that can bring our intentions into being, or our hide them away.Words that are congruent with what matters, or words that twist or distort it.Words that bring out the best in people, or words that stifle it.Words that illuminate, or words that cast into shadow.Words that bring life, or words that deaden.In all of this, it helps us to remember that the human world is founded on words.That words matter.And that this brings huge responsibility and huge opportunity, in every moment, to address our human difficulties and possibilities through how we listen and how we talk.

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How to look at others

Can you allow yourself, for a while, to look for what you're grateful for about others?It's such an easy habit, perhaps supported quite powerfully by your own inner-critic, to keep on looking for all the ways in which people are disappointing, hurtful, irritating, obstructing, confusing and frustrating to you. You may not even quite realise that you're doing this - how your background mood has quietly become one of scepticism or cynicism or despair.So perhaps you could take up the practice of looking truthfully for a while in a different direction: at what you can be genuinely grateful for in each person, however small.Write it down. Make a list. A long, ever-growing list of what you come to see.The point of this is not to blind yourself to your difficulties or frustrations but to open your eyes to a wider kind of horizon than is available to you now; to bring about new kinds of possibilities, conversations and relationship with all the people who, right now, you can only see as obstacles to your intentions; and to find how out they might be supporting you and taking care of what matters to you in many more ways than you can currently see.

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What to look for in others

What would happen if you oriented more often towards the basic goodness in other people?Not some simplistic, positive-thinking way of pretending to yourself that everyone around you is nice or has your best interests at heart. That way lies a comforting and often harmful kind of self-delusion.No, actually looking for the genuine goodness in each person that may not even be known to themselves. And trusting that everybody has it - is it - simply by virtue of being human.Being able to find this in others might take some patient observation and discernment on your part, some practice. So that you're not guessing. And so that you can overcome your own cynicism, disappointment, or frustration.You might get a clue by observing closely what another person most consistently tries to take care of, even if inexpertly. Justice and fairness, looking after people, achieving important goals, bringing a unique and personal expression, developing knowledge and understanding, keeping options and possibilities open, having things actually happen, harmony and coherence - these are but a few examples.Finding the basic goodness in others and in ourselves is a powerful project because it gives us something to rely on as we navigate the complexities of work and the rest of life alongside other people.When we can't see it we're easily locked in a cycle of mistrust, defensiveness and judgement, seeing ourselves and others only as accidents waiting to happen.But with it firmly in view, we have the best chance to call on and bring out what's most noble and dignified in each of us - the part of us that wants to serve life even in the depths of our most troubling confusion, conflict and uncertainty.

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Ten ways to avoid learning

Ten skilful ways to avoid any learning that really matters:

1. Demanding that you know what you'll learn before you begin
2. Fitting what you're learning into existing categories and classifications
3. Scepticism - the mood of "I'll only engage when you prove the worth of this"
4. Cynicism - the mood of "I've seen it all before, and it doesn't amount to much"
5. Insisting that you like it - that nothing troubles, upsets or confuses you
6. Insisting that you understand every step as you go
7. Forcing it to fit your schedule instead of giving it due time
8. Demanding immediate results and obvious 'takeaways'
9. Trying to look good, or expert, or knowledgable
10. Forgetting to play

How many of these are already the taken-for-granted practices of your workplace? Of your personal life? With what consequence?And are you willing to do the risky and important work of standing up to any of them?

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Learning in London in September

I've just finished a two-day introduction to integral coaching with a wonderful group of ten people, held by the river in central London.Two days of rich conversation, music, study, practice and the chance to learn how to powerfully support other people in their development in a wide variety of contexts. And an occasion for me to share some of the work that I find most joyful and most profoundly helpful to others.The next opportunity to join a programme like this is coming up on 1st-2nd September, once again in London. Perhaps you'll choose to join us.

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