What you read, watch, and listen toWho you speak with, and what aboutWhat you repeatedly choose to do and not doAll of these shaping you into the kind of person you are.You're being made by your actions and what you give attention to.It's easy to think that because you are a particular way you're doing what you obviously must do. But this misses that what you're doing shapes who you are too. So it's not only that you do what a person like you does, but that you become the kind of person who does what you do.This can be revelatory when you find yourself stuck in a situation that feels constraining.Are you unsupported because people are untrustworthy? Or are you becoming someone who does not trust because you're not trusting?Are you resentful that others seem to keep such distance from you? Or are others keeping distance because of your resentment?And are you busy and rushed because you have so much to do?Or have you become someone who has so much to do because of the way you insist on busying and rushing all the time?
Positive and Negative
Are moods really positive or negative? It's easy to conclude that they are, and so discount a wide range of them as irrelevant or destructive.I think that's a mistake, because every mood brings something of value to the fore that we might otherwise miss:
Gratitude - connects us to the wonder and unlikeliness of our lives
Anger - reminds us of values that are important to us that have been transgressed
Love - brings forward what we treasure most strongly about people and situations
Fear - connects us with what we most depend upon, and want to protect, as well as keeping us alive to dangers that could threaten each of them
Happiness - shows us what satisfies and delights us
Disappointment - keeps central what we most care about and want to bring about
and even
Resentment - gives us a sense of dignity in the face of an apparent wrong committed by another
Resignation - shows us that we've concluded, with reason or not, that there is nothing we can do
Feeling a mood does not mean a particular course of action is required.When we remember this, we can open to the illuminating possibility that our moods are not to be avoided, but to be experienced. And that they arise in order to teach us, in a revealing way, about what really matters most to us in our lives.
What's the take away?
It’s common practice in many organisations for people to demand, with some force, a ‘take away’ from every learning experience, course, workshop or coaching session.Perhaps it seems obvious, at least to start with, that this should be the case. After all aren’t we busy, productive, results-oriented people? Why would we do anything unless it obviously moves us forward, to the next step, the next project, the next success?By insisting on this we’ve confused learning with other, more familiar, activities. And we’ve profoundly misunderstood the nature of any learning that’s really worth our while.Firstly, the confusion. Learning is not like going to a meeting, finishing a project plan, coming to an agreement, or delivering a product. When we insist that learning be like every other activity in our working culture we’re not really engaging in learning at all. We’re confusing learning with deciding, or getting things done, both of which are worthwhile activities in themselves, but don’t change us much.Secondly, we’ve misunderstood or wilfully redefined what learning can be. We’ve reduced it to knowing a fact, understanding a step-by-step process, or knowing about a clever technique. We want to learn with the minimum of our own involvement, in a trouble-free, predictable, and narrow way. We want it recognisable in form and structure. We do not wish to be too troubled. And all of this is insufficient for learning that really does something.Unless we want our learning to keep us within our habitual, predictable boundaries (and I am arguing that this is not learning at all) we have to give up our demands that it be familiar. We have to allow it to confuse us as well as inspire us, to dissolve our existing categories and rigidity, and to confound our everyday understanding so it can show us something new. We have to allow it to render us unskilful for a while so that we can embody new skills that in turn open new worlds of possibility. And we have to allow ourselves to feel many things - elation, excitement, frustration, disappointment, wonder, surprise, boredom, joy - so that we can be affected by the experience and not just observe it in a detached way.Good learning undoes us.And for that reason the ‘take aways’ we demanded at the start may be quite different from what actually happens. And what lives on in us as a result may not appear at the moment we walk out of the room, but as the product, over time, of living with, practicing and inquiring into what we’ve only just begun to see.By demanding we know what learning will do before we begin, we’re hardly learning at all.
Photo credit: Kate Atkinson
Hearing what's said
Notice how attached you are to others speaking to you in a particular way.That you'll only really listen to what's been said, or count it as true, when it fits just the form you wish.
Maybe for you it has to be concise and to the point for you to pay attention.
Or maybe complete, anticipating every angle.
Perhaps it has to be kind, without a shred of judgement or criticism before you'll let it in.
Or maybe direct, untainted by emotion or sentiment.
Perhaps it has to be clever, fresh, intellectually stimulating or else you'll judge it as boring.
Or maybe you insist that it's practical, worthless unless you can immediately tell what to do with what you're hearing.
Perhaps you'll only listen to what's businesslike, and tune out of anything that's personal.
Or maybe you'll listen only when what's being said is deep and poetic.
In every case you're letting your preferences, and quite possibly your prejudices, deafen you to a world of possibility.You're purposefully keeping your world small, familiar.Maybe it's easier this way. At least you won't have to really consider anything that's too troubling.The task for all of us? Letting go of all of this, so that we can hear more and more of what's being said.And so we can tune in - and respond - to ever wider categories of concern.
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An encounter with the inner critic
Sitting in a park, sheltering from the drizzle, I spot a cluster of beautiful, elegant thistles. And I'm immediately called away by a part of myself so familiar I can hardly see it. Knotted in my chest, this part clings, desperately, trying hard to get things right all the time. It is pained, caught up in harsh self-judgement. And it says to the rest of me, with some insistence,
“You are not entitled to this”.
“You are not entitled to stop and look in awe and wonder. You are supposed to be trying, doing, proving. You are supposed to be being hard on yourself.”
And on seeing it - perhaps on its feeling seen - it relaxes its grip a little. I am flooded with joy and gratitude at the beauty before me, and at being alive to witness it.And, for a moment, I am here, at last.
Welcoming everything
What if, instead of orienting yourself first towards fixing everything
fixing yourselffixing othersfixing this situationfixing how you're feeling
you started by welcoming everything?
welcoming yourselfwelcoming otherswelcoming this situationwelcoming whatever you're feeling
This is not an argument for passivity.
From an orientation of welcome - something so rarely experienced or practiced by many of us - a whole new set of responses becomes possible. And a world that is quite different from brought about by our permanent orientation away from ourselves, others, and the life in which we're always in the midst.
Lonely at the top
"It's lonely at the top"A common mantra as people take on leadership positions.And in most cases self-fulfilling prophecy. A myth of our own making rather than a fixed way that things are.As long as you mistake leadership with appearing heroic, invulnerable, infallible, all-knowing, flawless, you're bound to feel alone. You're complicit in bringing about the loneliness you complain about.After all, who can you really confide in or talk with honestly, if you're scared they might find out that you're human? But how can you lead with genuine wisdom if you insist on pretending that you're not?
Cutting through
An experiment, particularly for the hardest, most frightening, most uncertain and doubtful times:Spend a day with entirely opposite explanations to those you're most used to.For example -
She's clearly out to get me becomes She's doing her best to help.
Everything is falling apart becomes Things are just as they should be.
I'll never be able to do this becomes It's right within my grasp.
I'm such a fraud / loser / mess becomes I'm perfect as I am.
There's no hope becomes Everything is right on track.
and also
We're on to a winner becomes We've wildly misunderstood everything about success in this situation.
If you'll do this seriously, you may find at least a couple of things. First, that what seemed so certain about yourself, others and your situation is in large part simply something you concluded but which you cannot know for sure. Secondly, that there are many more options for action available to you than you had ever imagined.So think the opposite for a while, and consider what actions and experiments might come from it. It can be a powerful way of cutting through the invisible stories that are binding you so tightly.
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What to do...
Don't you think it would be good, sometimes, to drop all the seriousness, the earnestness, the effort to be business-like or professional, to have-it-all-together, to look ok, to be in control, to keep things tidy, to know it all...... and see just how weird, absurd and unfathomable it all is in any case... and just laugh?
Something to remember
Something to remember.Almost every difficulty in the human world (difficulties in relationship, misunderstanding, uncertainty, hurts, resentment and confusion) can be solved best by talking. And by listening.Not by hiding from it. Nor by thinking it through, over and over. Nor by relying on a process or procedure. Nor, in organisations, by waiting - for annual reviews or a report or a meeting or a chance to assign a different performance grade.And not so often by email.No, by talking and by listening.Easy to say. Easy to forget. And, without courage and practice, easy to keep, conveniently, out of our own reach.
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